In the first instance, we may be unaware of the triggers that are prompting issues in our relationships. For example, your partner may shut down when it comes to financial discussions. While the partner may think that their mate is purposely behaving inappropriately, the trigger may not be them or even related to the day’s argument. The trigger could be an old argument about money, either with you or someone else. It could be the person’s tone of voice or even fear of disappointing a partner. The point is that some triggers have little to do with the situation at hand and are automatic responses that we unconsciously process.

In the second instance, we may have consciously made a bad decision that has led to habitual bad behaviors that we can’t seem to control. This could be an extramarital affair or a habit of manipulating our partner to get what we want. The flesh is satisfied, yet our emotions and mental stability have been altered. The lies we tell ourselves become truths and we delve into uncontrollable behavior. Though we may regret it, we don’t know how to change the situation.

The first thing to do when altering habits and routines is to identify the triggers that are causing unhealthy behaviors. This may mean you, as a partner, have to point out some triggers that you see that provoke unwanted behaviors. This may also require some inner dialogue as well. Habits are not formed overnight, and it may take some time to discover the real issues. Once the triggers or cues have been identified, it is important to change the circumstance of a given situation in the future to prevent unwanted behaviors. As Albert Einstein is famously quoted, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Again, it is important to give yourself some time and expect setbacks. This said; don’t let the challenge discourage you. Once the behavior is changed, avoid those triggers that will enable automatic behaviors that are unhealthy for you. As Andrew Carnegie put it best, “Anything in life worth having is worth working for.”

It is important for victims to know that there are people all over the world that would answer this question with not only a resounding no, but outstretched arms that will work diligently to prove the contrary. While the National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC) provides materials to other organizations that battle sexual assault, many victims are searching for a more intimate forum in which to begin the healing process. This can even begin as early as immediately after an attack or decades later. RAINN (Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network) offers a 24 hour hotline and helps victims find crisis centers in their local areas.

The choice is up to the victim; or better yet, the survivor. Whether that person is ready to seek help or not, they have survived a traumatic event. This takes a tremendous amount of strength for some to live day to day; even hour to hour at times. While this may go unnoticed by the survivor or others, it does not diminish this amazing feat. It is important to harness this strength to further nurture self development so that that survivor rises to become a victor instead of a victim. The support of others is essential in the healing process yet it may be hard for some to accept this help. Our emotions are just that – our emotions. We have control over them and we can either let them lead us to destruction or success.

Not that the pain isn’t justified, it just doesn’t have to be debilitating. As mentioned before in a previous article, someone is sexually assaulted every two minutes. Again, most go unreported. Wouldn’t it be nice to take a stand against this horrific crime? If you are sexually assaulted or have been sexually assaulted, you could be one of the people that help to change this astounding statistic. You could be a source of inspiration to a teen that has just had their life turned upside down by sexual assault. You could head a local crisis center in your neighborhood. You can take a stand.

Whether you are a victim, survivor, or victor of sexual assault, it is imperative to know that your story matters. It is not so much of what happens to you in life, but how you respond to it. Our value is something that can never be taken; especially by external forces. Let your inner light shine to lead you out of the darkness and you will find angels all around you!

The Lotus flower is often regarded as a symbol of rebirth or a representation of forgetfulness of the past. As the winter that never was comes to an end, we see the fruits of spring blossoming all around us. What was once barren land is now covered with the seedlings of new beginnings showcased in glorious colors and aromas that delight the soul. Tangible representations of our greatest aspirations, a flower’s symbolism speaks volumes about how we love. Often derived from ancient values and norms, their significance is still important to our culture’s perspective of love and romance.

As humans, the way that our love affairs flourish is as vast as the number of petals on every flower in the world. Our culture impacts the way we view love. Our upbringing impacts the way we view love. Our past relationships impact the way we view love. Our current partners or lack thereof impact the way that we view love. With that being said, sometimes we hold rigid beliefs about what should and should not happen when someone finds “true love”. We all want the “Rose romance”, the classic and ideal way to celebrate our love, yet there are many “Tulip tempters” that resonate the allure of the perfect lover as well.

Passionate, sultry and sensual affairs are also represented by Jasmine and both red Camellias and Roses. On the other hand, yellow Roses and Gardenias seem to have nectar so sweet that they invite cheaters and secret loves. For something more innocent such as our first love or refined, mature charm or romance, Lilacs, Orchids and Azaleas can be considered respectively. For a deeper more committed connection, Honeysuckle (symbolism: devoted affection), Lily of the Valley (symbolism: you’ve made my life complete), Orange Blossom (symbolism: eternal love and marriage) and Ivy (symbolism: wedded love and fidelity) celebrate those relationships that are tried and true.

The secret of the Secret Garden is that love, no matter what its form, is quite intoxicating. Realizing, accepting and cherishing the unique love that you have are essential for it to grow. To avoid “daffodil disasters” (symbolism: unrequited or unreturned love), you must nourish the seeds of love within yourself. Being honest, yet realistic, about what your heart desires allows love’s sweet fragrance to endure. As the Lotus opens in the sunlight and closes at nightfall, there is a reason and season for all of our love affairs. There is no wonder why love is king; it’s as fresh as Daisies (symbolism: a love that conquers all).

We talked with two couples who are proof that love can conquer a great deal including challenges presented by coming from different cultural or racial backgrounds.

These couples share their stories of love, romance and how they keep the spark alive after years of marriage.

Darin and Mercedes Branch
Darin, who is white, was raised in Houston and moved to the south side of Richmond in 1998. Mercedes, who is black, is a native of Richmond. They have been married for almost seven years and now live in Chesterfield County with their two daughters and son. They own Perception Salon and Spa in Carytown and Darin also is president of Whitewood Solutions, a tax resolution business.

How did you meet?
We met when Darin was a sales manager at a local car dealership. I was working there as a temporary receptionist before moving to Bowie, Md.

What first attracted you to each other?
“Obviously, looks played a part for both of us,” Mercedes said as she laughed. She added, “The confidence Darin had while selling cars and handling clients made him very attractive to me.”

Darin said he found Mercedes’ “warm personality extremely attractive.”

“We started out as friends as both of us were recently out of relationships. We became close friends with conversations during work and eventually having a friendly relationship after work, which turned into more after Mercedes moved to Maryland.”

It became a case of absence making the heart grow fonder.

“Once Mercedes moved away, the desire to be close became even stronger,” he recalled.

For about four months, they had a weekend romance. They took turns driving back and forth so they could spend time together. They eventually moved in together here in Virginia.

Along the way, they discovered they each wanted to eventually start and own a business.

“We shared the same dreams of owning a salon and spa. Mercedes did nails and my mother does hair. That dream became reality in 2007 when we opened Perception Salon and Spa.”

Were there any challenges in the early years of your marriage?
“Well, Darin is a Scorpio and he was a little jealous in the early years,” Mercedes said. “He always said that being white and dating a beautiful black woman makes it hard on a white boy since he seemed to always be tested in public.”

What’s the spark that keeps you together and keeps the romance alive?
The couple agree, “We are friends first and that keeps the relationship strong.”

As far as romance goes, they make time to do special things. And Mercedes’ father, a former coach at Armstrong High School, often offers to help.

“We are lucky enough to have Coach Samuels who takes the kids every other weekend, which allows us to have a date night and a couple’s weekend twice a month,” said Darin, age 31.

Mercedes, what’s the most romantic gift Darin has given you?
“Darin has given me lots of gifts over the years and vice versa from trips to jewelry, but our most precious gifts are our children.”

What advice about love, romance and relationship will you give your children?
“I would have to say to be sure that you find someone who is your friend first and then build on that because if someone can’t respect you as a friend they will never respect you as a lover and it will never last,” said Mercedes, age 33.

She added that faith is also important to building a strong relationship. “At the end of the day, ‘The couple that prays together stays together.’”

Carlos and Karla Ramos
Carlos, who is Puerto Rican, and Karla Ramos met in her native Honduras. They traveled extensively when he was in the Army. Now, they live in the Enon community near Hopewell. They have been married 15 years and have a son and a daughter. Carlos is a military analyst for Tapestry Solutions and Karla works for the Virginia Department of Emergency Services.

How did you meet?
They met while Carlos was stationed at the U.S. Embassy in Honduras. A mutual friend invited Carlos, then 28, to a party. Karla, who was 26, attended the party too.

What first attracted you to each other?
“She started playing the piano. That’s what did it,” Carlos said. “I don’t know what she was playing but it was this beautiful music coming out of a crowd of people. You couldn’t see her. Everyone was surrounding her. She was playing really nice music, classical music.”

It was three months before they saw each other again. This time they saw each other at a night club.

“I think it was his dancing [that attracted me],” Karla recalls. “We started dancing and we started talking,” she said.

“I’m a good dancer,” Carlos bragged as the couple sat at their kitchen table.

Were there any challenges in the early years of your marriage?
The two words that describe our first five years are “adventurous and challenging,” Carlos said.

Carlos was reassigned to Fort Lewis in Washington and Karla said she felt like a fish out of water when she left Honduras to join him. She saw snow for the first time.

Karla and Carlos had very different childhoods. She was raised by a single mother in a big city and he grew up in a rural area with his grandparents.

“I was independent, a strong willed person,” she said. “[His grandparents gave him a] very conservative concept of marriage. I believe in a more equal, 50/50 marriage.”

What’s the spark that keeps you together and keeps the romance alive?
“He’s a funny, funny person. He makes me laugh. And when I’m stressed out for any reason, he can make a face or tell me something and it makes me laugh.”

“She’s beautiful. She is a wonderful person. She understands me. Everything she is sparks my soul every time I see her.”

Karla, what’s the most romantic gift Carlos has given you?
“I’m not really into fancy material presents. I like something original with more meaning than just the item itself. I like useful things. [He wanted] to buy me a diamond necklace or something and I had to educate him that that’s not really my thing.”

What advice about love, romance and relationship have you given your children?
Carlos calls their 15-year old son, David, into the kitchen to answer this question. “He tells me to be respectful to women. Don’t be pushy. Don’t go beyond the boundaries. Don’t disrespect yourself or your lady.”

Loving Day Project honors Virginia couple
These couples are part of a growing trend: multicultural relationships. A 2010 Pew Research Center study shows that one in seven new U.S. marriages is interracial or interethnic.

A group called the Loving Day Project celebrates these relationships while commemorating Loving v. Virginia (1967), the Supreme Court case that legalized interracial marriages in America.

The case stemmed from the marriage of Richard and Mildred Loving of Caroline County. They were married in 1958 when it was illegal for a white and non-white to marry.

The Loving Day Project’s mission is to fight racial prejudice through education and to build multicultural community. Each year on or near June 12 (the day the Supreme Court issued its ruling) the organization encourages Loving Day celebrations around the country and the world.

For more information about the Loving Day Project and updates on events in our area, visit LovingDay.org .

This story is part of a series, Virginia Tapestry: Reflecting Our Rich Diversity produced by In Your Shoes Media

What’s the most romantic gift you’ve received? Go to urbanviewsweekly.com to watch a video to see what some people rated as the most romantic gift they’ve received.

When you have unresolved issues in your relationship, every little problem seems to become the breaking point. While resolving issues used to bring peace, now they tend to signify impending doom. Sometimes we consciously know it is time to let go, while other times we just go through the motions. It’s like feeling nauseous on a rollercoaster and dreading getting off because you know you will get sick as soon as the ride stops. How do we maintain our composure when we feel our relationships are winding down?

Relationships are an investment. We invest our time, energy, feelings, bodies, and in good relationships, our spirits. When you are in love, it often takes precedence over all other relationships in our lives. It is hard to accept that sometimes things don’t work out and no one is to blame. Whether you are on the giving or receiving end of relationship sabotage, it is important that you are responsible for your part.

When you look in the mirror, it is not for fault finding. It is to reveal your true self and acknowledge your feelings. If there is honest communication, then sometimes wounds can begin the healing process. On the other hand, you may find that it is finally time to say goodbye. Either way, it is a new start that can only begin when you are ready. The sooner that you can come to terms with your own feelings, the sooner everyone involved can move towards what it is they are looking for.

While no one can ever change what is in our hearts, it may be beneficial to have someone help us to explore the depths of it. Couples counseling can help us to make sense of a relationship that is falling apart. Even if it is meant to end, counseling may help us to learn not to repeat some of the same mistakes in another relationship. Though things may not work out how you would like, there is an opportunity to find a relationship better than the one you may be getting out of. Every time you say goodbye, you will find yourself saying hello – either to a new mate, new lifestyle, or simply a new you.

Sometimes strangers can give you more insight into your relationship than your closest companions. I like to think of these chance meetings as whispers from the universe. I have been listening for this kind of grace for awhile now. In my darkest hours, it takes me away from my own thoughts and brings revelation for me to move forward on my path.

Sitting in a doctor’s office clouded with fear and doubt, I met an amazing couple. On this fifth trip to the doctor in a week, I silently grunted under my breath that I was sick of filling out medical forms. A sweet voice said to me, “Be patient.” As I looked over to the woman sitting next to me, I noticed that she had a Zip-Lock bag full of her medication. There must have been at least 15 pill bottles in that plastic sack and I immediately felt humbled. She told me that she had been to the doctor several times as well. She began to ask me about my life and family and only had doting remarks.

She then began to tell me about her life and family. She and her husband had been married 58 years. As she shared her story, her husband would smile and nod in agreement. She told me, “He has always been a quiet man and on rare occasion will you see an angry bone in his body.” He laughed and said, “It takes two fools to argue and I ain’t no fool!” Coming from a background where conflict was the norm, this glimpse into their life provided a different view of my future than I had seen before. Though they obviously had experienced tribulations in their marriage, they always found peaceful resolutions. It was a priority in their marriage that is often missing in today’s unions. In a divorce-laden country, it was refreshing to meet a couple who still blushed talking about meeting as teenagers.

It is so easy to get caught in the trappings of the world. Careers, big houses and fancy cars seem to distort our perceptions of success. But good character can’t be bought. Peace can’t be paid for. Joy does not come with a price tag. Yet if you have these things, money pales in comparison. Though it may go unseen, love is in vast abundance all around you. Sometimes we choose to put on blinders believing that we don’t deserve or will never find love. Sometimes it’s all of the “flashing lights” that blind us with their temporary highs. Love is eternal. If you quiet you mind and open your heart, you will find that has been there all along.

Often when we become complacent in our relationships, we reminisce on how things once were. Whether it was with your current partner or with an ex, we seek happier times that give us refuge from the pain of a growing or dying relationship. Although our trips down memory lane are not always intentional, they always bring us back to a place of familiarity. As a fan of this summer’s film Sex and the City II, I could relate to Carrie’s chance meeting with her ex Aidan as feeling like a mirage. According to the Encarta World English Dictionary, the definition of mirage is “something that appears to be real but is unreal or merely imagined.”
Unlike Carrie, I have never been to Abu Dhabi traveling by camel, but a girl can still relate. That’s because all of us, female or male, have had moments in our lives when we were thirsty for something more in our relationships. Love. Sex. Excitement. Passion. Loyalty. Peace. Commitment. It seems as though we are hard-wired to want more.

But anytime we venture into the past via memories, we journey to a place that no longer exists. We cannot change nor recreate that exact moment and that is why many of us can find solace in our memories. We can embellish the details and create fairytale endings. Through try as we might, we can never change the past.

So what’s a better response?
I have found the following quote by Bil Keane, cartoonist and creator of “The Family Circus,” very empowering: “Yesterday’s the past and tomorrow’s the future. Today is a gift – which is why they call it the present.”
With the past at our fingertips and our futures out of sight, one can get frustrated in the here and now. Yet the moment we are trying to escape is actually the only moment that matters. It is the only thing that is real. It is the only thing that we can touch, see, taste, smell, and hear speaking to use right this instant. There are no roads that lead back to yesterday and you will miss your tomorrow if you are stagnant today. You must be careful of the traps that mirages can bring. While the past and future might be nice places to visit, do not sabotage the blessings that lay at your door today!

Throughout my life, I have heard people refer to me as a spoiled diva. I want what I want, when I want it. I work for what I want: I set goals and work hard to achieve them. But when a glitch throws my plans by the wayside, I tend to overreact. Before I learned to let go, my issues with control affected every aspect of my life, including my romantic relationship. I’m sure I’m not the only control freak out there. If this article caught your eye, you may want to consider your own issues of control before they begin controlling your relationships as well. You may be a control freak if you:

1. Lose your temper if things do not go as planned.
2. Put your mate on punishment if he or she does not follow your directions.
3. Think of your needs before the needs of others.
4. Assign curfews for your significant other.
5. Check your partner’s phone and text records.
6. Constantly monitor your lover’s Facebook or Twitter account.
7. Never allow things to happen spontaneously
8. Continuously bring up issues from the past to use to your advantage in a fight.
9. Dress you partner and restrict them from going places based on your approval.
10. Listen in on private conversations that your partner may be having.

Don’t feel bad if you identify with few of these behaviors. Like many of you, I had been in denial for years. I always had justifications for my controlling behavior: I thought my partner was cheating (sometimes he was). I thought he was inconsiderate, and so on. Although my concerns may have been valid, they were not justification for my controlling behavior.

While I was trying to control everything, the one thing that I wasn’t in control of was my own insecurity. I had created my own reality and behaved in the manner mentioned above to safeguard what I believed to be a good relationship. I was oblivious to the fact that I was doing more harm than good to myself and to the relationship. While creating the illusion that I was in control, I was allowing another’s behavior to dictate my own.

By responding to your mate’s actions, you are the one who is actually being controlled. Like children from over restrictive homes, your mate will rebel just because he can. True love does not seek to control. At the end of the day, it is more comforting to know your mate did something because he or she wanted to and not because you coerced them to. You may win a few battles, but the war will rage on until you break free from self-imposed chains. If you let love unfold naturally, peace will last much longer.

Fidelity in marriage has been thrust into the spotlight by some very public affairs as of late. The media has been intimately involved with the stories of Elin Nordegren, Elizabeth Edwards, Gayle Haggard and Jenny Sanford. Women across America have either sympathized, scoffed at, or passionately disagreed with their decisions to stay or to call it quits. Of the four women, there was an even divide between the lines of fight or flight. Although Elin’s iconic husband, Tiger Woods, was rumored to be cheating with up to eleven mistresses and allegedly checked into a sex rehab facility – she stayed. Gayle Haggard was excommunicated along with her cheating husband Ted Haggard, pastor of New Life Church in Colorado Springs, when he was caught with a male prostitute and crystal meth – and she stayed. What may seem to be irreconcilable breaches of trust to some may be bridges to a better relationship for others.

[To read this full article, go to our free electronic edition, UVW Digital]

It is a sobering experience to examine your own faults. It can be a humiliating experience to have someone else bring them to light. When we receive criticism from our loved ones, the humiliation can be increased double-fold. However, even though it can be painful, self-examination is essential for true growth.

Observe Your Routine

Often we are so busy that we have very little time to reflect on ourselves. We can become creatures of habit and oblivious to how our actions are impacting our lives. The same can be said for our personal relationships, especially if we have been in them for a long time. A couple’s routine is more difficult to evaluate as we only have one perspective of a two-sided story. In a union or marriage, the relationship can take on a life of its own.

[To read this full article, go to our free electronic edition, UVW Digital]