When you have unresolved issues in your relationship, every little problem seems to become the breaking point. While resolving issues used to bring peace, now they tend to signify impending doom. Sometimes we consciously know it is time to let go, while other times we just go through the motions. It’s like feeling nauseous on a rollercoaster and dreading getting off because you know you will get sick as soon as the ride stops. How do we maintain our composure when we feel our relationships are winding down?

Relationships are an investment. We invest our time, energy, feelings, bodies, and in good relationships, our spirits. When you are in love, it often takes precedence over all other relationships in our lives. It is hard to accept that sometimes things don’t work out and no one is to blame. Whether you are on the giving or receiving end of relationship sabotage, it is important that you are responsible for your part.

When you look in the mirror, it is not for fault finding. It is to reveal your true self and acknowledge your feelings. If there is honest communication, then sometimes wounds can begin the healing process. On the other hand, you may find that it is finally time to say goodbye. Either way, it is a new start that can only begin when you are ready. The sooner that you can come to terms with your own feelings, the sooner everyone involved can move towards what it is they are looking for.

While no one can ever change what is in our hearts, it may be beneficial to have someone help us to explore the depths of it. Couples counseling can help us to make sense of a relationship that is falling apart. Even if it is meant to end, counseling may help us to learn not to repeat some of the same mistakes in another relationship. Though things may not work out how you would like, there is an opportunity to find a relationship better than the one you may be getting out of. Every time you say goodbye, you will find yourself saying hello – either to a new mate, new lifestyle, or simply a new you.

Sometimes strangers can give you more insight into your relationship than your closest companions. I like to think of these chance meetings as whispers from the universe. I have been listening for this kind of grace for awhile now. In my darkest hours, it takes me away from my own thoughts and brings revelation for me to move forward on my path.

Sitting in a doctor’s office clouded with fear and doubt, I met an amazing couple. On this fifth trip to the doctor in a week, I silently grunted under my breath that I was sick of filling out medical forms. A sweet voice said to me, “Be patient.” As I looked over to the woman sitting next to me, I noticed that she had a Zip-Lock bag full of her medication. There must have been at least 15 pill bottles in that plastic sack and I immediately felt humbled. She told me that she had been to the doctor several times as well. She began to ask me about my life and family and only had doting remarks.

She then began to tell me about her life and family. She and her husband had been married 58 years. As she shared her story, her husband would smile and nod in agreement. She told me, “He has always been a quiet man and on rare occasion will you see an angry bone in his body.” He laughed and said, “It takes two fools to argue and I ain’t no fool!” Coming from a background where conflict was the norm, this glimpse into their life provided a different view of my future than I had seen before. Though they obviously had experienced tribulations in their marriage, they always found peaceful resolutions. It was a priority in their marriage that is often missing in today’s unions. In a divorce-laden country, it was refreshing to meet a couple who still blushed talking about meeting as teenagers.

It is so easy to get caught in the trappings of the world. Careers, big houses and fancy cars seem to distort our perceptions of success. But good character can’t be bought. Peace can’t be paid for. Joy does not come with a price tag. Yet if you have these things, money pales in comparison. Though it may go unseen, love is in vast abundance all around you. Sometimes we choose to put on blinders believing that we don’t deserve or will never find love. Sometimes it’s all of the “flashing lights” that blind us with their temporary highs. Love is eternal. If you quiet you mind and open your heart, you will find that has been there all along.

Often when we become complacent in our relationships, we reminisce on how things once were. Whether it was with your current partner or with an ex, we seek happier times that give us refuge from the pain of a growing or dying relationship. Although our trips down memory lane are not always intentional, they always bring us back to a place of familiarity. As a fan of this summer’s film Sex and the City II, I could relate to Carrie’s chance meeting with her ex Aidan as feeling like a mirage. According to the Encarta World English Dictionary, the definition of mirage is “something that appears to be real but is unreal or merely imagined.”
Unlike Carrie, I have never been to Abu Dhabi traveling by camel, but a girl can still relate. That’s because all of us, female or male, have had moments in our lives when we were thirsty for something more in our relationships. Love. Sex. Excitement. Passion. Loyalty. Peace. Commitment. It seems as though we are hard-wired to want more.

But anytime we venture into the past via memories, we journey to a place that no longer exists. We cannot change nor recreate that exact moment and that is why many of us can find solace in our memories. We can embellish the details and create fairytale endings. Through try as we might, we can never change the past.

So what’s a better response?
I have found the following quote by Bil Keane, cartoonist and creator of “The Family Circus,” very empowering: “Yesterday’s the past and tomorrow’s the future. Today is a gift – which is why they call it the present.”
With the past at our fingertips and our futures out of sight, one can get frustrated in the here and now. Yet the moment we are trying to escape is actually the only moment that matters. It is the only thing that is real. It is the only thing that we can touch, see, taste, smell, and hear speaking to use right this instant. There are no roads that lead back to yesterday and you will miss your tomorrow if you are stagnant today. You must be careful of the traps that mirages can bring. While the past and future might be nice places to visit, do not sabotage the blessings that lay at your door today!

Throughout my life, I have heard people refer to me as a spoiled diva. I want what I want, when I want it. I work for what I want: I set goals and work hard to achieve them. But when a glitch throws my plans by the wayside, I tend to overreact. Before I learned to let go, my issues with control affected every aspect of my life, including my romantic relationship. I’m sure I’m not the only control freak out there. If this article caught your eye, you may want to consider your own issues of control before they begin controlling your relationships as well. You may be a control freak if you:

1. Lose your temper if things do not go as planned.
2. Put your mate on punishment if he or she does not follow your directions.
3. Think of your needs before the needs of others.
4. Assign curfews for your significant other.
5. Check your partner’s phone and text records.
6. Constantly monitor your lover’s Facebook or Twitter account.
7. Never allow things to happen spontaneously
8. Continuously bring up issues from the past to use to your advantage in a fight.
9. Dress you partner and restrict them from going places based on your approval.
10. Listen in on private conversations that your partner may be having.

Don’t feel bad if you identify with few of these behaviors. Like many of you, I had been in denial for years. I always had justifications for my controlling behavior: I thought my partner was cheating (sometimes he was). I thought he was inconsiderate, and so on. Although my concerns may have been valid, they were not justification for my controlling behavior.

While I was trying to control everything, the one thing that I wasn’t in control of was my own insecurity. I had created my own reality and behaved in the manner mentioned above to safeguard what I believed to be a good relationship. I was oblivious to the fact that I was doing more harm than good to myself and to the relationship. While creating the illusion that I was in control, I was allowing another’s behavior to dictate my own.

By responding to your mate’s actions, you are the one who is actually being controlled. Like children from over restrictive homes, your mate will rebel just because he can. True love does not seek to control. At the end of the day, it is more comforting to know your mate did something because he or she wanted to and not because you coerced them to. You may win a few battles, but the war will rage on until you break free from self-imposed chains. If you let love unfold naturally, peace will last much longer.

Fidelity in marriage has been thrust into the spotlight by some very public affairs as of late. The media has been intimately involved with the stories of Elin Nordegren, Elizabeth Edwards, Gayle Haggard and Jenny Sanford. Women across America have either sympathized, scoffed at, or passionately disagreed with their decisions to stay or to call it quits. Of the four women, there was an even divide between the lines of fight or flight. Although Elin’s iconic husband, Tiger Woods, was rumored to be cheating with up to eleven mistresses and allegedly checked into a sex rehab facility – she stayed. Gayle Haggard was excommunicated along with her cheating husband Ted Haggard, pastor of New Life Church in Colorado Springs, when he was caught with a male prostitute and crystal meth – and she stayed. What may seem to be irreconcilable breaches of trust to some may be bridges to a better relationship for others.

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It is a sobering experience to examine your own faults. It can be a humiliating experience to have someone else bring them to light. When we receive criticism from our loved ones, the humiliation can be increased double-fold. However, even though it can be painful, self-examination is essential for true growth.

Observe Your Routine

Often we are so busy that we have very little time to reflect on ourselves. We can become creatures of habit and oblivious to how our actions are impacting our lives. The same can be said for our personal relationships, especially if we have been in them for a long time. A couple’s routine is more difficult to evaluate as we only have one perspective of a two-sided story. In a union or marriage, the relationship can take on a life of its own.

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Happy 2010! As everyone is in search of new beginnings, some may find that the quest delves into matters of the heart. While we all are at different levels of our relationships, the need for improvement is ever-evolving. As we learn and grow with and from our partners, we face new challenges and goals as a team. To do this successfully, we should strive to deepen our bonds to reinforce or build a strong foundation in our relationships by making thoughtful choices.

Rick Redding is licensed both as a Marriage Family Therapist and Alcohol and Drug Counselor. He and his wife, Charlotte, are the authors of the book Enjoying Marriage. In an excerpt from their book, the Reddings list the fruits of a good marriage as:

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In a year that has been defined by change, we are still struggling with issues that have plagued our country for centuries. Conflicts surrounding politics, religion, and values will forever shape our nation, but for some things, there should be no debate: Love is the very foundation for everything that we do, and when it is attacked, the motives seem dubious. Although interracial marriages have been legal since the 1967 Supreme Court ruling Loving V. Virginia case, there are still some people in our country who feel threatened by their neighbors’ romantic relationships.

Recently, a Louisiana justice of the peace, Keith Bardwell, made national news by refusing to marry an interracial couple. He made news again with the announcement of his resignation after the couple filed a lawsuit against him. In a cnn.com article he said, “I needed to step down because they was [sic] going to take me to court, and I was going to lose.” As the old adage goes, you can’t teach an old dog new tricks: Bardwell admits that he would do the same thing if he were ever in that situation again.

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They say love makes you do strange things. On one occasion or another, we all fall victim to its spell and like zombies, unintentionally act in ways that seem out of character.

But when our love for another changes who we are as a person, it’s important to gauge whether these changes are for better or worse. For example, when we first meet that special person, we want to be with her or him all the time. You are either constantly on the phone or making plans to be together.

But when is it too much? Are you so into your new romance that you find yourself having less time for family and friends? Are you missing work or important events just to hang out with your sweetheart? These are common signs that you may be becoming a little too preoccupied with your new relationship. It is one thing to become infatuated, but obsession takes things to a whole new level. If you are away from your significant other, and you find yourself driving past his or her house – you may be obsessed. If such behavior is habitual, you may even be considered a stalker.

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I don’t know if there is any other first as special as first love. Pop icons sing about it, storylines for movies and TV shows have centered on it, and many notable books have told the enchanting story over and again. As fairytales filled our heads with whimsy as children, our parents sat beside us secretly dreading the day it would happen for us. It is something so fragile that even the slightest crack could cause irreparable damage, yet it’s so powerful its remnants can last a lifetime.

In first love, there’s a vulnerability that can be likened to birth. Hormones push love to its highest and its lowest. Hindsight only provides glimpses into what could’ve been and the lessons we learn guide us forward. As adults we tend to let go of what we consider fantasy and can become immune to the magic of love.

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